


The Goosebumps Start to Raise

by taeminki (orphan_account)



Series: going through the motions [2]
Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-17 13:12:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: Taehyun finally hears from his ex-members, but it's nothing hewantsto hear.





	The Goosebumps Start to Raise

The first time Taehyun heard from any of his ex-members was six months after he was kicked from the group. He hardly expected to hear from them ever again after the third month passed without a peep; and he thought, if he did hear from anyone, it would be Jinwoo-- _maybe_  Seungyoon. So, when Minho called him, Taehyun didn't know what to expect. He almost didn't answer, thinking _I'm not drunk enough for this_ (for the record, he wasn't drunk at all). He did miss Minho, though. He missed all of them; and he couldn't resist. He answered the phone after the third ring, asking, carefully, "Hyung?"

"I'm driving," Minho started, and his voice was shaky, like he was crying. Taehyun frowned. Okay?, and he almost said it-- just like that-- but Minho continued to babble on, "I was driving, I mean. I-- I was driving and it was so stupid. I should have never gotten into this stupid car. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You're drunk." Taehyun muttered; his words weren't heard, "I'm so scared, Taehyun. I shouldn't even call you. I'm older than you-- I'm supposed to take care of you. I should have taken care of you, dammit. I should have done something-- and now I need your help and it's not fair because I didn't help you. I never helped you. I didn't even call. I wasn't supposed to, but when do I ever listen to the rules? We're partners in crime, we _never_  listen to the rules--"

"Hyung--!" it was Taehyun's fifth time saying it. Finally, he got Minho to quiet down, though he was still crying. Gently-- as gentle as he could be-- Taehyun asked, "Where are you right now?"

"I'm on the side of the road, because I shouldn't be driving but I was. I'm scared. What if I killed someone? I need to go home, and I miss you, and I need your help." Minho said. Taehyun sighed. He checked his phone, hoping maybe Minho had his location on somewhere. He checked everything-- and finally found his exact location after some digging. Minho was still sobbing and blabbering over the phone, and Taehyun started up. Minho was too far to walk, and the last thing Taehyun wanted to do was drive there and have to leave one of the cars. Taehyun woke Jinri gently, briefly explaining the situation. Jinri said she would go, but "--only if you take me for coffee, and you drive there. I'll drive home," and Taehyung told her "Deal."

So, one quick coffee trip and (almost!) a speeding ticket later, Taehyun pulled up behind Minho on the side of the street. Jinri was halfway through her coffee, and Minho hardly even noticed Taehyun. He was still on the phone, crying and apologizing and feeling sorry for Taehyun and himself. Taehyun got out of the car, told Jinri "I'll take care of him-- thank you--" and she nodded, and pulled him in for a hug before she left, coffee in hand, tired arms steering the car away. Taehyun opened the door of Minho's car, and watched him look up, confused, and then clamber out, and throw himself into Taehyun's arms, crying, "I missed you. I missed you so damn much--"

"I know. I know you did." Taehyun said. He found himself angry, suddenly-- because he reflected on Minho's words, on the things he said he wanted to do but didn't, and he was angry. He was angry because Minho was either lying, or he was a coward. Minho wasn't one to hold back when he wanted to do something; he risked everything for friendship. Taehyun wondered what stopped him from risking everything for him.

"Get in the car, Minho." Taehyun said. Minho tried to climb back into the driver's seat, but Taehyun caught his arm, "Not _there_ , I'm driving you home. Get in the passenger side. Come on."

"I missed you." Minho said again. Taehyun doubted that, somehow, but he played along, "Yeah. I missed you, too--" and that hurt, because it wasn't a lie-- "Get in the car."

Minho opened the door-- having been escorted to the other side of the car by Taehyun-- and clambered inside. Taehyun shut the door once he was settled, making sure he was completely in and wouldn't get hurt by the door. Taehyun got into the driver's seat-- turned the car on and pulled out his phone, typing in the address he knew so well. He started there, biting his tongue against any response he might have to Minho's drunken rambling. Minho was crying and apologizing, saying he wanted to keep Taehyun in the group, he wanted to fight the manager's decision to kick him out. Taehyun just barely kept himself from scoffing at his claims. _If you wanted to fight for me, you would have done it_.

Taehyun pulled up in front of the dorm, turned off the car and started out, but Minho grabbed his arm, and pulled him back. Taehyun started, "Hyung--" but Minho didn't let go. He pointed at the house and told him, "We-- we don't live here... anymore."

"What? Minho, why didn't you tell me you moved?" Taehyun said. Minho sniffled; he wiped his eyes with his palm and told him "I'm sorry," and his upper body collapsed against Taehyun's lap. Taehyun sighed; he closed his eyes, and he leaned his head back against the seat, and he let Minho whine and cry into his lap for a minute. He tried to decide what to do. He doubted if Minho was going to be able to tell him the address of his new home. He doubted if Minho would be able to tell him anything at all-- but an idea came to him, and he-- again, as gently as he could-- pushed Minho off of him, and demanded Minho give him his phone.

He stared at Minho's phone for a moment and tried to think-- who would react the best to him? He called Jinwoo-- who didn't answer. He called again. Nothing. He called Seungyoon, with his eyes closed and his tongue between his teeth. Seungyoon answered after two rings, "Hyung, where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for hours--"

"Seungyoon? I-- it's me." Taehyun said. He wondered if Seungyoon would recognize his voice. From the silence, Taehyun thought he might. "Look, Minho was drunk as hell and he called me, because he started to drive and he panicked. I-I have him now, and I'm parked in front of your old dorm and-- I just need the address to the new one. Can you tell me?"

"Taehyun?" Seungyoon asked quietly after a moment. Taehyun nibbled on the inside of his cheek. His hand was trembling and he felt like crying. He was really starting to hate all of them-- for Seungyoon sounded shocked and sad, like he'd missed Taehyun too and if he _and_  Minho, the two with the most authority as leader and leader-could-be, missed him so much, why didn't they contact him at least?

"Please just tell me where the new dorm is. I have to bring Minho." Taehyun said. Seungyoon began to stutter, "Y-yeah, of course," and he rattled off the address and Taehyun said "Thanks," entering it into his phone and seeing it was twenty minutes away-- _great_. Seungyoon started to speak, "Taehyun, I--" but Taehyun didn't listen. He hung up right away, and he put Minho's phone down and hung his head and cried into his palms.

Minho tried to comfort him. He leaned over and he hugged Taehyun and he kissed his cheek, and Taehyun shoved him away, "Leave me the hell alone," and Minho looked like a kicked puppy. Taehyun rubbed his eyes and reached to start the car. He took off a little too fast, following the first few directions he remembered his phone telling him. Finally, Minho was silent; but it was Taehyun's turn to cry. He rolled down the window and tried to dry the tears away, but the cold wind only caught his eyes and made them tear up more. He pulled over again-- this time to let himself have a minute. He got out of the car, taking his phone and the keys with him, and stood next to it for a minute, leaned against it and tried to clear his head. He hated this. He should have asked Jinri to take Minho home-- but that wasn't her responsibility. Taehyun reminded him he didn't even have to do this-- but would he have felt any better if he left Minho completely, left him alone to cry and drive home, maybe kill himself in the process?

"Taehyun," Minho got out of the car, stumbled around and bumped into Taehyun, nearly knocked him over. Taehyun steadied himself, and Minho; he brushed off his shoulder and said "Get back in the car-- I'll come in in a minute," but Minho didn't listen and Taehyun didn't repeat himself. For a moment, it was silent; Taehyun wiped away his tears and breathed. He looked at Minho, who was staring at him-- and they looked at each other for just a moment before Minho was suddenly surging forward-- holding Taehyun's cheeks and pulling him in to kiss him. Taehyun pushed him away, wiped his mouth and wondered "What the hell are you doing?" and Minho grabbed his wrists-- forceful and sudden, but his words and emotions did not reflect the rough treatment, "I'm sorry. I missed you. I love you, Taehyun, and I missed you."

"What are you talking about? Let go of me--" and Minho did, but only to collapse on his knees in front of Taehyun. He hung his head; he held his hands together like he was begging for forgiveness, "It was all my fault. It was my fault-- I loved you, and that wasn't allowed, and you were already depressed so they kicked you out. It was just their excuse-- it was all my fault-- it should have been me-- I should have gone-- I should have left--"

Taehyun's heart dropped to his stomach as he watched Minho beg for forgiveness on the ground. _It was my fault-- I loved you_ , and Taehyun thought he might be sick. Is _that_ why Minho never did anything for him? Fear? But Minho was never scared-- so _why_  didn't he step forward? Why didn't Seungyoon tell him to do it? Why was it _Taehyun's fault?_

But then, would Taehyun really want Minho gone? Would he really wanted to be in Winner if Minho was gone? Perhaps that was what Minho was feeling-- perhaps that's what they were all feeling. (Perhaps Minho was just drunk and rambling, and that was the excuse he created for himself, and he didn't really care at all.)

"Minho, I have to get you home--" Taehyun said, but his voice was failing him and he couldn't talk. He didn't have any strength at all. He could say _no_  when Minho stood and started to kiss him again; he couldn't push him away. He couldn't even tell himself he didn't want Minho to kiss him, because it felt so nice all of a sudden-- and Taehyun was confused by his body, but eventually his mind caved and he didn't care, because he was in the backseat of Minho's car, with Minho all over him-- hot, and drunk, and they were crying together and Taehyun just didn't care anymore.

 

  
Taehyun had no idea what time it was. He only knew that Seungyoon had called Minho's phone twelve times, and he was pissed when Taehyun finally answered. It must have been around 5:00; the sun was coming up and Taehyun had a headache from crying. His body hurt from being cramped in the backseat with Minho-- and Minho wasn't exactly gentle, either. He remembered Minho accidentally ripping a larger hole in his jeans from yanking them down too hard.

"We fell asleep." Taehyun muttered softly, finding his voice robotic-- dead. Seungyoon said, "What?" and his voice was gentler, "Are you okay?" and no, Taehyun didn't think he was. He felt very strange and oddly uncomfortable, but he looked at Minho and he couldn't be angry. He rolled his neck and lied, "I'm fine," and he made sure he was put together before he exited the backseat and sat again in the driver's. He found his phone, and the keys, and he started the car, and he began to drive as his phone told him-- "I'm bringing him right now."

"Will you need a ride back home?" Seungyoon asked; Taehyun's answer was immediate, rushed, "No," and Seungyoon sounded hurt, "Are-- are you sure?" and Taehyun said "I'll be fine," and he hung up afterward. He hated himself for being so angry, and rude, but he hated them more. Minho, Seungyoon-- even Seunghoon and Jinwoo. They were guilty without proof, but Taehyun was done trying to understand where they had all come from. One night had ruined that for him.

Taehyun pulled up in front of the dorm. He looked back and made sure Minho was dressed; he wasn't. He had his underwear on, but his pants and shirt were still on the ground. With some difficulty, he dressed Minho-- and left him back there. He used Minho's phone to message Seungyoon:  _he's here, asleep_  and then he left the car, hoped to speed off before Seungyoon-- or anyone-- could come outside.

Luck hadn't been much on his side lately, though.

Seungyoon was outside in no less than three seconds-- hardly giving Taehyun time to even get out of the car. Taehyun tried to turn, and maybe make a run for it, but Seungyoon was already catching up to him-- grabbing him by the elbow and turning him around. He looked like he had something to say, but then he caught sight of Taehyun's neck-- which Taehyun hadn't even seen-- and his eyes went wide. His hand reached to touch Taehyun's collar; Taehyun shoved him away, "Don't touch me."

"Taehyun, did you--" but Taehyun wasn't listening, "Minho's still in the car, and he's going to have one hell of a hangover. I suggest you get someone to make him breakfast."

"Wait--" Seungyoon said, holding onto Taehyun again-- this time by his collar, and Taehyun had never felt more like an abandoned dog in his whole life-- not even when his mother went out of town for three weeks, and his step father kicked him out, threatened to beat the shit out of him if he told his mom about it. With the though, Taehyun shoved Seungyoon again-- watched his arm fly back and almost imagined it swinging to hit him-- but Seungyoon was Seungyoon, and he might be a piece of shit but he wasn't Taehyun's step-father.

"Taehyun, look, we're sorry. I know you don't believe us--"

"You're right. I don't." Taehyun said. His hand left his pocket for a moment to rub his eyes, and then his hands were hidden in his jacket, "Minho's going to wake up any minute and he's going to have one hell of a headache. Seeing that you're still _his_  leader, I think he's your first priority."

Taehyun smiled-- a fake, sarcastic smile before he walked away. Seungyoon looked shocked, and hurt-- exactly how Taehyun felt, and Taehyun barely felt bad about making him feel that way. He hated the feeling-- the _I don't care_  regarding men he had grown up with, and loved for years, and looked up to and _missed_. He still missed them-- but he missed how they used to be. All of them, including himself. He missed himself before he was depressed; he missed being a kid and looking up to everyone for guidance. He missed the pride they took in him for learning so much from them and from life in general. He missed them all, dammit. He missed everything.

But most of all, after everything that had happened last night, he missed Jinri.

It took him an hour and a half to get home. He collapsed through the door and practically threw himself on the ground, hardly even closed the door. The wood hit his foot, and he hooked his ankle around it and tried to push it shut with all the strength he still had in his leg. It creaked almost-closed. Taehyun could hear the metal lock hit the door frame; the door was still open about an inch.

"Long night?" Jinri asked, casual and sweet, but concerned. She stood above Taehyun with an eyebrow raised. She pointed at Taehyun's neck and said, "You have a lot of explaining to do, mister," like she was really his mother; and he found himself smiling, genuinely, despite his headache. She held out a hand, and Taehyun let her held him up. They walked together to the kitchen; Taehyun sat down on the counter, and Jinri handed him the hot cup of coffee in her hand. She slid up on the counter, reached behind her-- into the cupboard-- for some gummy bears, and gummy worms. Taehyun got the worms.

"Tell me." Jinri said after a moment-- a moment long enough for the crinkle of opening kid-sized packages to settle into silence. Taehyun ate a red and white gummy worm, took a sip of his bittersweet coffee, and told Jinri, "I had sex with Minho."

"I could tell it was someone." Jinri said. She crossed her legs; she picked up a water bottle next to her hip and took a small sip of it, "Was he good?"

"He was _drunk_." Taehyun said. He rubbed his eyes, "I don't remember much of it. I remembered I didn't even want it to happen at first, but I didn't care after a while."

"It kind of sounds like he raped you, Taehyun." Jinri said. Taehyun shook his head, "No. He didn't, I was just-- it was so out of nowhere. He said he loved me, and he missed me and he... basically told me I was kicked out of the group because he had feelings for me, and my depression was a good excuse for dismissing me-- so they kicked me instead of him. And I-- I remember having such a huge crush on him when I was young, and... I guess I just kind of let myself go. I let myself feel like I loved him. It's like I pushed my current feelings down, and I was a kid again."

"So, technically, Minho had sex with a... what? Fifteen-year-old? Sounds illegal." Jinri said, and she laughed a little bit. Taehyun shoved her thigh gently-- so gentle, indeed, that his week hands barely moved her skirt. She placed a hand on Taehyun's shoulder, massaging it gently, "It sounds like you had a rough night. I regret not taking care of Minho for you."

"It's okay. I wanted to do it anyway. I-- I missed him, too." Taehyun said. He rubbed his eyes, and breathed in deep, "I don't think I miss him anymore. I don't think I miss any of them anymore."

"I don't blame you. It sounds like they sided with the wrong person. If Minho fell in love with you, he should have admitted it. _He_  should have left." Jinri said. She had taken the coffee back-- Taehyun's hands were too weak to hold it, anyway-- and she sipped from it gently. She held it with both hands; her white cup and her white skin and her white clothes made her look awful delicate, like an angel sitting right next to Taehyun-- and Taehyun felt bad for leaning over to cry on her lap, but he couldn't help himself. Everything came to him at once, and he sobbed against her thigh. She took another sip of her coffee with both hands, and then she put the cup down, and soothed Taehyun with both hands-- fingers through hair and across cheek.

"I don't think I would have wanted to be there without Minho, though. And I just-- I wonder if they feel like that-- but they seem to be doing so well--" Taehyun cried and cried and cried. Jinri nodded along, and she said she knew how he felt; she missed her girls, too, but it was time to move on. They weren't coming back for her, and she wasn't going to try to catch up to them.

"It's sad, and it's shitty and it sucks but that's what happens when you're in the industry, and all of a sudden you're not." Jinri said. "It's like getting fired from a job. You miss your co-workers, but you all have work to do-- and it's no longer the same work, and you're too busy to meet up. You never had a relationship outside of work, so your relationships are gone."

"I did, though. We both did." Taehyun muttered. Jinri sighed, "Actually, Taehyun, if you think about it, we really didn't. We didn't because our entire lives consisted solely of being idols-- so of course our relationships with our members was constant. But, do you remember when you would have vacations? I bet you didn't talk to any of them _once_ the couple times you could go back home."

Taehyun was silent. He was silent because she was right-- she was absolutely right. He never had a relationship with his members outside of work-- which is exactly why he only saw them again when Minho was drunk, and probably called him by mistake. They were only co-workers; and now they weren't even _that_.

"But that's okay." Jinri said. Her hands were so soothing. "It's not the end of the world, trust me. You bounce back from this little incident, and you move on, because your life is more than just being an idol, now, and I had to call in sick for you-- else your boss would have been pissed."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Taehyun asked. Jinri laughed, "Yeah, something like that. Anyway-- breakfast is in the fridge, because it would have gone bad without you, and your bed is made, and your sheets are dry and warm, and I have movies in my room. I'll leave the door unlocked, but I've been up since you took me for coffee, so I'm going to take a nap."

Gently, Jinri tapped on Taehyun's ear, and he sat up, and let her go. She slid down from the counter, and she tapped on her cheek, expecting a kiss. Taehyun gave her one-- and another and another and said "Thank you so much," and Jinri smiled, "Anything for you," and she winked at him, and she laughed a little more on her way to her room. Her door clicked gently; and, as promised, she didn't turn the lock.

 

  
(Seungyoon called three days later. Taehyun picked up his phone and looked at it, wondering _How the hell did he get my number?_  and remembering that Minho still had it. Jinri was sitting right next to him, and she didn't even look before holding out her palm, and telling him "Give me it."

Taehyun obeyed, and Jinri answered, immediately beginning with, "Choi Jinri, one resident of Taehyun and Jinri's Home," and continued with, "Taehyun cannot come to the phone right now, because he's quite busy moving on with his life. Any apologies can be left in his voicemail but will not be listened to just yet. He may be able to listen to apologies _after_ he has had time to heal, but now is not the time. Do not try calling back until an appropriate amount of time has passed. Thank you, and have a nice day."

Jinri hung up, and handed the phone back. Taehyun looked at the phone, and Jinri, and barely held back his laughter. He kind of loved her.)


End file.
